Did you wash your hands with soap?

It’s Wednesday night, and my husband and I have been lying in bed for 20 minutes and I’m just about asleep when he rolls over and I feel the tell-tale ‘lets get it on’ touch. My first thought is, why did you wait until NOW to want to do it? You couldn’t come on to me when we first came to bed? Now I’m just about asleep and have to decide, am I going to be a nice wife and give it up, or am I going to be an ice queen and say no? I like to think of myself as a nice wife so, we start kissing and in just a few minutes, things really start to get hot and heavy. Before I know it I can feel his hand slipping closer and closer to my special place and my mind starts to race; I’m imagining all the things he might have touched before he came to bed. Light switches, the toilet seat, his shoes, his socks….THE DOGS! Instantly my hand grabs his and I ask, ‘did you wash your hands with soap?’ His head falls back with a groan and he tells me, ‘You’re killing the mood!’ I tell him what will really kill the mood is if he hasn’t washed his hands and in two days I get a nasty little infection because he didn’t want me to ‘kill the mood’ for him. Begrudgingly he gets up, washes his hands then comes back to bed. Yeah, he was right, it killed the mood. We still manage to get it done but it was all off. What he doesn’t understand is that taking care of my hoo hoo is like taking care of an infant. You wouldn’t touch and infant with dirty hands because you don’t want it to get sick, well, our special bits are the same, they can get ‘sick’ if we don’t keep them clean. I don’t go to the salon and spend an hour in agony getting waxed so that I’m clean and pretty for him so that he can rub his dirty hands all over it. It’s not a self cleaning oven! I have to maintain it so that it stays well…clean, it doesn’t just happen on its own. Men never appreciate all we do for them; tan, wax, pluck, shave, mani, pedi…it’s a lot of work. He tells me, ‘I don’t expect you to do all that’ but I know, he doesn’t want a pasty white, funky toed, bushy wife in bed, he wants a sex goddess. Well, I’m not a sex goddess, I’m a working mom and wife and all I want is to not have to ask ‘did you wash your hands with soap?’